i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
