I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
