I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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