i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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