just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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