What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
jump out the window naked night went bad
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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