There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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