This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
