my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
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