I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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