your thong is hanging out like whoa
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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