you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
