i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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