I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
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My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
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Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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