it was like his penis was on wheels.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
