in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
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i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
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Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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