After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
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It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
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She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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