No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
