are you still at the devil's house?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
