I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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