i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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