i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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