I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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