So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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