I'm gonna have a badass scar
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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