last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
