just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
