My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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