I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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