Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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