If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
