at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
