The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
