Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
