one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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