Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
