I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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