First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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