someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
that is very illegal...i love you.
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