Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
