And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
