I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
