I just cut my nipple shaving
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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