FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
