Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
