Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
