Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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