Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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