allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
