Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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