My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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