I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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