I smell stomach acid.
someone owes me an orgasm
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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