at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
