So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
