Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
