eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
