By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Im part way to drunk.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
